There’s a T-shirt that reads, “Depression is Anger without the Enthusiasm.” That’s very funny and also very, very true.
As a love and relationship coach, I teach my clients that there are just two core emotions – positive or love-based and negative or fear-based.
This fear is frequently expressed as anger.
Somewhere along the line, many of us, and most women, got the message that it just wasn’t OK or “ladylike” to feel or express anger.
“Nice” people never got angry – instead, they would just swallow their emotions, compromising their desires, beliefs, and goals to keep everyone else happy and maintain a resemblance of peace.
What happens after decades of getting this message that “anger is wrong” and trying to stifle this very honest and real emotion?
Yep – the T-shirt is right. Depression sets in because it really is anger without enthusiasm.
Depression isn’t the only potential fallout from unexpressed anger.
A recent study at Columbia University Medical Center shows unexpressed rage can also literally harm the heart.
The feeling of anger sets off our “fight or flight response,” which drives up heart and respiration rates and tightly squeezes blood vessels as our body gets ready to react decisively.
If we try to suppress that emotion, the body never gets the “release” of appropriately expressed anger, and our risk for heart disease is escalated.
Explosive, undirected spurts of anger can take the same toll on the heart as suppressing rage. So, it’s important to learn to express your anger in appropriate ways.
Confronting the situation or person that triggered your anger is key, as is being able to have a discussion – even a rather heated one – about the issue in question.
Healthy resolution is not about fixing blame – it’s about getting back to that core emotion and verbalizing what need of yours you fear is not being met.
Research shows that this moderate expression of anger can be both constructive and heart-healthy.
Dr. Candace Pert, the pharmacologist, and researcher who’s rewritten medical books by proving that every cell of our body has a separate consciousness, has seen other positive results from occasionally letting that anger inside of us explode.
She’s seen cancer patients who do not meekly accept their diagnosis but rage against the disease attacking their body.
In the same way that a fever kills invading germs, she’s seen the benefits of expressing anger result in an almost immediate remission, as if the anger somehow burned out the cancer cells.
We need to understand that it’s not the emotion of anger itself that’s wrong; it is any inappropriate behavior that anger and fear might trigger.
When you feel your anger level start to creep upwards, instead of just swallowing it, try these steps:
Know that your FEELINGS are neither right nor wrong. It’s the BEHAVIOR you choose to do as a result of your feelings that can be unproductive.
At the core of all anger is a need you have that is not being fulfilled.
Identify that need, and you can constructively express exactly what you want – whether it’s being listened to, getting rewarded for your contribution, being respected, or just having your own space.
In my Art of Embracing YOU program, I teach an emotional detox and share the idea that “Holding anger and resentment towards another person is like me taking poison and hoping that someone else dies.”
It’s a funny thought with a lot of truth – and it’s also a great reminder to first own your anger and then release it in an appropriate and constructive way.
Looking for more tips about emotional detox for mental health? Contact me to learn ways to release anger positively.
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