What Destroys Feelings

Do you remember how relationships start? It is a high euphoria and butterflies in the stomach. Life seems to be painted in a rainbow colors and everything feels easy and carefree…

Then, with time something starts to change. The first passion subsides, the flame of hormones calms down and we go back to a sober state. You start to notice certain flaws in your partner, there are even some “clashes” happening in the relationship.

For some couples this is ALREADY the last stage in their relationship: there are more and more complaints about boredom and routine, and they start to think whether they mistook trivial last for love… And not too many people even consider that real Love hadn’t even begun yet.

Love only begins precisely when we open our eyes and see our partner the way he really is and we don’t find it repulsive or unpleasant. When, instead of standing your ground with arrogance even in a trivial argument, the partners try to listen to each other, try to understand and see each other side. Love starts from the moment we open up to our partner, trust him and becoming vulnerable. And at the same time, being careful with partner’s feelings instead of using them to manipulate him.

We are constantly trying to catch the slipping image of our ideal prince from our childhood dreams in a partner, we project on him our hopes and hidden desires. We are unwillingly trying to fit this image in our depiction of the world and our perception of HOW TO LOVE.

Suddenly, what a bummer: everyone’s expectations are different. As well as ideas, perceptions, and pictures of the world. Even if you didn’t notice it on the first stage of your relationship and believed you two were almost twins since your points of view, tastes and wishes were so similar… The stage of awakening will always come, whether you like it or not.

And then you must make a choice. You have to put the pink glasses away and ask yourself a not very pleasant but much-needed question: Would we be able to overcome these flaws and disagreements and to be happy together at the same time?

If the answer is yes, we will move on to the next stage of creation of a mature healthy relationship. These are the behaviours we need to put a stop-sign on:

Resentments and accumulation of internal discontent and aggression.

Please, stop holding all the dissatisfaction, irritation and other destructive behaviours inside yourself! Do not fear yourself and your own emotions. Express yourself openly about your feelings and what you want from the partner. We are not talking about to “spitting out” everything in your partner’s face using insults and angry resentment. And don’t expect that he is going to rush to fulfil all your requirements and wishes. But this will clarify your relationship, bring them closer to reality and save you from unnecessary illusions.

Silence and withdrawal into oneself.

This is a continuation of the previous paragraph. Do not bring yourself to a point when you explode and the emotions intensify. Indeed, instead of understanding, warmth and affection you may find a wall of alienation and rejection. However, you do not really want to build a relationship blindly, right? Are you holding a deep hope that someday you will see all these qualities in your partner? It is better to see your partner’s reaction to your openness and honesty right away instead of realising few years later, that he is not whom you thought he is.

Treason to yourself.

Or rather trying to accept a substitute instead of your real desires and needs. Most are left in astonishment in this situation because they don’t really understand what they want from a partner, the relationship or the life itself. Then the life and relationship happens TO YOU. When we come to understanding of what is that we really want, we do not have to transfer all the weight of responsibilities onto our partner, waiting for them to find a solution. How can your partner decide FOR YOU what you need?

Getting personal.

This garbage haunts almost every couple: in the heat of the moment we tell our partner such horrible things that we wouldn’t even wish to an enemy.

Mutual verbal attacks, barrage of allegations, insults, and suspicions ruins even the best relationship. The best practice in such moments is to talk about YOUR own feelings and from YOUR name. If you only trying to tell your partner about HIS issues, it will be met with resistance and counter-attack, you won’t get any other reaction. Ask yourself an important question: do I want a war or a POSITIVE solution to a conflict?

Comparing to someone.

This issue is the worst. Yes, the grass always seems greener somewhere else and there is someone else who has a nicer and more balanced life and relationship. A lot of us spend whole live chasing this imaginary ideal image. There is only one trivial truth to this: you can only change YOURSELF and YOUR ATTITUDE. When you start changing yourself, paying more attention to your partner’s good qualities instead of his flaws, approve him, support and appreciate him, you notice with time, as if by magic, that he will change as well.

Fear of responsibility.

A relationship always implies a mutual responsibility. A dissonance in a relationship occurs either when there is an imbalance in responsibilities towards one of the parties or there is a complete disclaimer and shifting of those. And then a relationship turns from an equal partnership into either a “parent-child” or a “child-child” relationship. A healthy relationship requires an equal responsibility distribution. Only when this exists we can talk about harmony and future development in partnership.

Nobody is protected from these or other mistakes. Fearing them or refusing the relationship right away when something is not an ideal and doesn’t work as you expected it would work is not a solution. Instead of attempting to correct wrongs in a relationship, the most important step in building a happy healthy relationship is to create a timely awareness of you own behaviour. After all, awareness is the first step on the path to healing.

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